


Chaos Theory

by fairy_laughing



Category: Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Chaos, Domestic Avengers, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Genderbending, Genderswap, M/M, Magic, Other, Threesome
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-01
Updated: 2013-03-14
Packaged: 2017-12-03 23:38:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/703954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fairy_laughing/pseuds/fairy_laughing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A chaos-magic spell backfires on Loki with unexpected (and hilarious) results.<br/>Working title.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. And so it begins...

**Author's Note:**

> My first time writing in this fandom! *new-fandom squee* I've only seen the movies and the first season of Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes so please let me know of any canonical problems... not that those should matter too much in something as crack!tastic as this.
> 
> Rating (so far) is for curse words and sex/sexuality.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Tony... your voice."
> 
> "Tony... your gender!"

* - * - * - Avengers: Assemble! - * - * - *

“What the fuck was Loki smoking when he came up with this spell?” exclaimed Tony shrilly, picking up a crumpled body from the ground.

“I don't think this was Loki's intention,” chirped Wasp, buzzing nearby.

“Clearly...”

The Avengers stood in a circle of destruction: the forest around them was half-levelled, Hulk-shaped craters scattered about and a good number of trees felled around them. Soil was churned up into banks and any wildlife had long-fled. A few trees still crackled with the last of the flames. Bruce approached, his pants hadn't survived this battle so he was wrapping a hoodie around his waist in an attempt at decency. Iron man held a naked child in his arms, maybe three years old, with pitch-black hair and pale, nearly white, skin. He didn't seem to know how to hold on to it, but settled for a damsel-carry with his arms under its shoulders and knees, staring down in bewilderment.

Captain America jogged back to them, having just spent the last few minutes dousing flames with creek water carried in his sheild. “I think I got all the fires out.”

Enchantress had got away, however she had abandoned Loki to the Avengers – if that was indeed who the child was. In the crater where Thor had been was a puppy, seemingly a golden retriever, unconscious on its side. Steve looked from the puppy to Iron Man, awkwardly holding the child. “Uh... what's going on here?”

“Loki and the Enchantress were working with some pretty intense chaos magic.” Banner speculated, “I'm guessing that it backfired.”

“So... that's Loki?” Steve asked.

Iron Man nodded and they watched while Banner climbed down into the crater to gather up the puppy, craddling him in his arms, “Judging by the colouration, this would be Thor.”

“Cute,” said Steve, silently admitting that the Loki-child was rather sweet as well – passed-out as he was, at least.

“Yeah, I still don't trust Loki like this...” said Hawkeye.

Wasp silently offered to take the child from Iron Man. At least Jan seemed to know how to hold a child, quickly wrapping him up in an emergency blanket near the Quinjet. Banner lay the puppy down next to the child and busted out his first-aid kit so he could check the both of them over for injuries.

Tony didn't feel right, his armour was pressing against him uncomfortably, so it was with trepidation that he let down his mask and turned to face his team. “At least he's not terribly dangerous like this.”

“Tony... your voice...” said Steve.

“Tony... your gender!” said Clint.

Immediately Tony's hands went to his... her... face and felt for the beard, felt the change in the underlying facial structure, and suddenly the pressing of the suit against her chest and hips made sense, “Jarvis, am I feeling what I think I'm feeling.”

“Indeed you are, Ma'am.”

 

* - * - * - Avengers: Assemble! - * - * - *

“Chaos magic,” agreed Mockingbird, examing the three of them in medical. She had come out to Stark Mansion as soon as they'd asked shield for assistance in a matter concerning magic.

“I didn't know you were an expert in magic.” said Hawkeye. 

“I'm not. I just heard that Tony got turned into a woman and I had to see for myself.”

Tony fumed. She felt strange in this body – she had promptly changed into a t-shirt and loose sweatpants, but none of her socks or underwear fit this new body so she was barefoot (her feet were so tiny! Maria Stark had had small feet), and her nipples poked out and stretched the shirt uncomfortably. The nipple piercings had survived the transformation, but given the new shape and size of her nipples they were fairly obvious through the t-shirt.

Mockingbird mocked, and Tony continued to fume, “So what if I'm a woman!”

Mockingbird broke into giggling again at the shrillness of Tony's voice. She was nearly doubled over in laughter.

“What about these two?” asked Hawkeye. Jan was playing tug-of-war with Thor-puppy over a stephoscope while Steve bounced the Loki-child on his knee, trying to get the boy to stop crying as he had been for the past two hours since he woke up.

“I don't know, I really don't. Sheild has no idea either, magic isn't really our area of expertise. Perhaps you should contact Asgard?”

“Sheild couldn't have told us that themselves?” Tony scowled.

Mockingbird shrugged. “Sheild will do what they can to help the Avengers through this difficult time, but chaos magic... eh, it's not something we can fix.”

Thor paused in his tugging to sniff Mockingbird, allowing her to pet him while he wagged his tail like a maniac, and then proceeded to pee on the floor.

“Well now... that's... great.” Tony muttered.

Loki continued to cry until Steve stood up and gave him to Tony; he immediately hushed, gazing up at Tony's face with large, trusting eyes. He relaxed a little, making sounds rather like speech, but in a strange mixture of English, Norse, and baby-talk.

“Guess all it took to quiet him was a woman's touch,” joked Wasp.

Mockingbird again launched into fits of giggling.

Banner returned with a plastic cup of apple juice and gave it to Loki who took it and began to drink thirstily once he figured out how to use it, Tony guiding his tiny little hands so he wouldn't spill.

“The DNA tests came back,” said Banner, “This is Loki – and yes, Stark, you still are... well, you, just with two X-chromosomes. As for Thor, it's hard to say, but he isn't a normal golden retriever, that's for sure.”

“And the magic?”

“It isn't something that's self-reversing if that's what you're asking.”

Tony frowned. “Damnit. So we're stuck like this.”

“Until we can find a way to reverse it, yes. We should contact Asgard first, since Enchantress is out of the picture and I doubt anyone here on Earth knows what to do.”

“Is it safe to keep Loki here?” asked Hawkeye.

“Given his state, I doubt he'll give us trouble,” said Banner. 

Loathe as she was to admit it, Jan agreed. He was downright adorable, she thought, and then felt the sudden urge to punch herself in the ovaries. No children yet for Wasp, no way, no how!

Tony did not feel such qualms, but she was distracted by the helpless thing in her arms, gazing up at her as he drank with nothing but trust and admiration. Something was stirring inside of her breast, a warmth spreading across her chest and down her belly... oh wait, nevermind, that was spilled milk, and there was no use crying about it. Tony decided that she needed new clothes; they had to go shopping.

* - * - * - Avengers: Assemble! - * - * - *

The mall was busy with early Christmas shoppers, but Pepper, Clint, Steve, and Tony were there with a purpose. Well, Tony had a purpose, Pepper was there to help her, and Clint and Steve were to there to carry stuff and mind Loki. Presently Clint and Steve were on a bench outside of a lingerie store, attempting to get Loki to eat apple slices.

“No want,” Loki said, stubbornly turning his head to the side and setting his jaw. 

“Don't you want to grow up big and strong?” asked Steve.

“Like Hulk?”

“More like Clint or me.”

“Strong like you?”

“Sure Loki.”

He took the slices and began to munch them. Clint raised an eyebrow. Steve was entirely too good at this.

Meanwhile, inside the shop, Pepper knocked on the pink door, “You okay in there Tony?”

“Yeah.”

“You've been in there a long time.”

“Yeah.”

“Sure you don't need help.”

Tony sighed and the lock clicked open. Pepper slid inside, careful to only open the door the merest crack. She immediately had to supress a laugh: Tony was stuck inside of a negligee, having neglected to unhook the back, and now she was horribly tangled. Pepper unlatched the negligee and helped Tony slip out of it, leaving her in a pair of ill-fitting blue panties. She tried not to stare at her boss and lover, but found herself blushing a little despite herself. Skin as fair as Pepper's was a dead give-away; however, given the pink room they were in it could be dismissed as the lighting. She turned immediately and began to gather garments that had been hung on the door.

“How do these bras fit?”

“The blue one fits well, and the others are all okay too, but that black one with the pink trim pinches like a mo-fo.”

“Well, yeah, it's a 30-B. You're at least a 34...” she checked the other tags, making sure that the sizing was appropriate. It was all nice, tasteful stuff, things Pepper herself would wear... Tony had a thing for women in uncomfortable underwear, but clearly she did not want to wear anything like that herself. Well, actually, there was one thong, a black one that came with the negligee.

Pepper picked it up on one finger, raising an eyebrow, “You want this one too?”

“It comes with the underdress thing... looks pretty uncomfortable though, I don't think I'll wear it.”

“You said that you love it when I wear thongs.”

“Yeah... well...”

“You do get used to them, you know. When we get back maybe you can model some of this stuff for me...” Pepper covered her mouth, having let something slip.

“Oh?” asked Tony, pinning Pepper against the wall of the change-room to look her in the eye, grinning like a madwoman while she whispered, “I never realized you were into...”

“I experimented. A bit. In college.”

Tony began to kiss Pepper right there, pressing her into the hanging satin and lace.

A knock on the door startled them and they broke away. “Ma'am? You've been in there a long time... we have a line up.”

Pepper blushed beet-red and gathered up the lingerie. Tony quickly put on her t-shirt and they opened up the door. The store clerk eyed them suspiciously and they checked out quickly and returned to the bench outside.

“Did you get what you need?” asked Steve.

“Yes, I think so.”

“You took less time than Natasha does,” said Clint, “She takes an awful long time to buy underwear for a woman who rarely wears any.”

Steve spluttered, overwhelmed with mental images.

“Doesn't fit under the cat-suit.” Clint shrugged.

“Good to know,” said Tony. “We've got appropriate clothing for me and the rugrat, a car-seat, and a nightlight, because the god of trickery and deceit is apparently afraid of the dark. Time to head back?”

“Not so fast,” said Pepper, “We need things for Thor... collar and leash, kibble, toys...”

“Toys?” asked Loki, looking hopeful.

“If you behave in the petstore then perhaps we can stop by Toys-R-Us on the way out...” suggested Steve.

“I'll behave, I promise!” said Loki brightly, bouncing happily on the bench.

Loki behaved in the petstore... as far as the Avengers knew, at least. In their wake the previously docile hamsters began to nip at people, snakes slithered out of their cages, and a kitten began to yowl like a possessed thing.

They got some toys as well – a few age-appropriate books, a stuffed dragon, toy cars, and – much to their amusement – Avengers action figures.

* - * - * - Avengers: Assemble! - * - * - *

Back at the mansion they dropped armloads of bags on the coffee table. Loki was fast-asleep in Steve's arms, clutching his dragon, and Steve slipped out to tuck him in the bed they'd set aside for him. Meanwhile Tony went to unpack her new swag. Wasp had declared herself unofficial keeper of Thor and was attaching his new name tag to his collar and putting away the dog food. He was ridiculously excited by all of this and Jan had to hush him repeatedly so he wouldn't wake Loki.

“He's an awful cute puppy,” said Clint.  
“Yeah... but not as useful as he was as an Asgardian.”

“Speaking of Asgard, Banner got the gateway figured out yet?”

“Almost I think,” Jan scratched Thor behind the ears and he leaned into it, tongue hanging out of his mouth and eyes half-closed.

Steve, having put Loki to bed, returned, shutting the door as silently as possible and literally tip-toeing over.

“Well?” asked a voice from the doorway. The Avengers in the living room all looked up see Tony Stark, self-proclaimed millionaire, playboy, philanthropist, sporting a slinky red dress and black pantyhose, a lacy little black bolero with gold sequins over her shoulders and matching gold jewellery. The shoes were practical, but sexy still in a shiny red with gold buckles. Oh, but Tony made a fine looking woman!

They looked on speechless and Steve felt himeslf go weak in the knees.

“Hey you.” said Pepper, coming in from behind Tony and purring appreciatively. She wrapped herself around Tony and kissed her deeply.

“Hot.” said Clint. Jan smirked and Steve had to excuse himself very quickly from the room.

“What's the matter super-soldier?” teased Tony, calling out after him, “Can't handle this much woman?”

“Hush Tony,” said Jan, “Or else you'll wake up...”

A cry sounded from the hallway.

“Too late.”

 

* - * - * - Avengers: Assemble! - * - * - *


	2. Captain Oblivious makes Pancakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Steve Rogers makes pancakes and learns about menstruation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've decided that for some sort of consistency I'm going to use Jan/Wasp instead of Natasha/Black Widow and set it in the Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes cartoon series, mid season one or so I guess. You'll notice that I've modified chapter 1 as well.
> 
> WARNING: Talk of menstruation, but nothing terribly graphic.

* - * - * - Avengers: Assemble! - * - * - *

Chapter Two: Captain Oblivious Makes Pancakes

Asgard was not yet responding to their hails. They attempted to send a message in Norse, but google translate didn't have ancient Norse as an option so they'd had to settle for Norwegian. They sent it, and the message seemed to get through; however, there was as of yet no response from the other end of the rainbow bridge. Tony laid her head against her desk, oblivious to the ink imprinting on her cheek. It had been one week. One week of getting used to brassieres, tight pants, and the catcalls she got on the streets. One week of Jan attempting to housebreak Thor (again), and Steve bonding entirely too closely with Loki. Steve had always liked kids, but this one was just the right amount of puppy eyes and eagerness to have captured his heart. Pepper had been growing rather attached as well, but she had just left earlier that day for a week-long vacation as her brother was getting married. Weddings didn't take a week, Tony grouched, but Pepper was needed for preparations and moral support, plus she was overdue for a visit with her family. 

Tony idly wondered if she had eaten something that didn't agree, her stomach felt... off, and her nerves were on edge, ready to be set off by the slightest crisis. Fortunately, with Loki taken down a few sizes, they hadn't had many of the usual crises... not that they hadn't had crises, just more along the lines of “Thor ate Jan's panties” as opposed to “alien invasion, take 46.”

“Tony?” called Steve from the door.

“Yeah?”

“Loki wants a bedtime story.”

“And why don't you tell him one?”

“I did last night. He wants you.”

“No way.”

“But Tony,” whinned Loki. There was no resisting. Tony had trouble thinking of the child as being Loki, even, though he had a mischievous streak a mile long, he wasn't outright evil like the Loki they'd known previously. Tony was beginning to understand how Thor had felt towards him initially – the incomprehension at his actions, the wondering at when it had all gone wrong.

“Alright, alright...” Tony hauled herself up off her swivel chair, running a hand across her aching abdomen, and lifted Loki into her arms, “Chapter four of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, then?”

“Yeah!”

Steve trailed behind as Tony brought Loki to his room, settling him down on the bed. She pulled out the Kobo Glow and sat down while Steve changed him into his pyjamas. It wasn't entirely age-appropriate; however, Loki was sharp, and he seemed to understand the rules of magic in Narnia better than C.S. Lewis himself had. 

Once Loki was settled Tony began to read. Steve sat on the bed next to him, half-under a blanket, while Tony perched on the edge, her Kobo the only light in the room besides the glowing nightlight. It reminded Tony of reading to her mother when she'd been a little boy. Fairly soon after starting she heard a slight snore, then joined by another one a little while after. Steve was right out, and Loki had joined him, curling up against Captain America's chest as if he were a giant stuffed animal. It was far too cute for words. Tony stopped reading and snapped a quick picture with her camera phone.

It was early, but oh man, given the way her stomach felt, Tony decided it was time for bed. She stood, stretched, and left the room, closing the door as quietly as possible and tip-toeing into the kitchen.

“Jarvis. I need a nightcap.”

“Your usual?”

“No... I need a Bailey's in hot chocolate with a huge dollop of whipped cream.”

“Very well ma'am.”

Jan entered the kitchen just as Tony was leaving, Thor trailing at her heels, and she raised an eyebrow at the beverage, but said nothing to him.

“Tony's drink smelled delish. Jarvis, make me one too please?”

“Right away.”

Jan prepared Thor's food, some dry kibble with leftover gravy drizzled on top, and set it down in front of him. He attacked it happily, tail wagging, as if he hadn't eaten all week – which was not so, he'd been putting away a good deal of food, like puppies tend to. She sat at the bar and sipped her hot chocolate, thinking on the past week. A rumpled Steve Rogers joined her a few minutes later, fetching himself his usual nightcap of warm milk. 

“Hot chocolate?” he asked Jan.

“With Irish cream. Tony was drinking it, I had Jarvis make me one also and it's delicious. Decadently chocolately. You want one?”

“I'll stick with my usual, I think.”

Chocolate. Hmm... why would Tony be drinking hot chocolate... Jan thought, and then shook her head, dismissing it. Nostalgic for Christmases past, probably.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Steve asked.

You don't want to know, Jan thought, instead she said, “Just contemplating these recent... changes... what happens now. Will Loki and Thor will grow and age like normal in the meantime, before we get it figured out, if Tony needs to go on birth control...”

“Jan, unless things have changed vastly in the last fifty years, two women cannot create a child...”

“Actually, with the help of science...” Jan said, stopping at Steve's horrified expression, “but not by accident, no, I just wonder if Tony might... y'know... get curious.”

Steve Rogers had been raised in a very different time. In fact, he had only the most rudimentary understanding of the birds and the bees, and almost no comprehension of feminine things which were common knowledge (though generally not discussed) among men from this generation. Same-sex relationships had been virtually unknown then, though they seemed more common in this era... another thought occurred to him: “Dogs age a lot quicker than humans... we'd better find a way to fix this within Thor's canine lifespan.”

“I'm sure we will, but it might be a little while... and it'd be even better if he just stayed little like this!” Jan declared, lifting the wiggling bundle of fur into her arms and cuddling him against her chest. Thor licked her face eagerly.

“Yes... as for Loki, I haven't noticed any physical growth, but he's making leaps and bounds in understanding. He can almost recite the entire alphabet.”

“It helps that he has such a devoted nanny.”

“Yes... I... oh. Thank you, I think.” It was an old joke, intended as a jibe, but Steve had taken it as a compliment.

“I picked up a gift for you. I was going to present it to you tomorrow morning, at breakfast... but, well, you know how I like to sleep in Sundays...” and every day, “so I'm going to give it to you now so you can wear it when you make breakfast tomorrow.”

“A gift?”

“It's just a little thing... since you cook for us so often, especially every Sunday morning...” Jan said, handing Steve an inconspicuous brown-paper wrapped parcel. It was a tradition Steve had to cook the other Avenger's Sunday breakfast, they weren't sure where it was coming from but Captain America was an expert in the great American breakfast and no one was arguing against it.

“Nonetheless, thank you very much, it was not necessary.”

She shrugged, watching him eagerly as he unwrapped it. It was an apron, done in a stars-and-stripes motif, with the words “Super Nanny” emblazoned across the front. Red, white and blue frills edged it, and tiny little gold stars made up the buttons.

“Why... Jan.... thank you, it's perfect.”

Jan couldn't contain herself and she nearly fell off her bar stool giggling hysterically.

“I will cherish it always.” Steve held it against his chest. It was a good thing Captain America had such a good sense of humour (or at least didn't know when a joke was being played on him), in fact, he was planning on actually wearing it.

* - * - * - Avengers: Assemble! - * - * - *

“Nice apron.” Tony commented with a snicker while Steve adroitly flipped another pancake.

“Thank you. It was a gift from Wasp.”

“Your housecoat is quite fetching as well.” Clint said.

Tony looked down and flushed pink, matching the housecoat. “It's Pepper's.”

Meanwhile Loki staggered in, rubbing his eyes sleepily. “Hey buddy,” greeted Steve, “You sure slept in late. Ready for some pancakes?”

“I'm ready!” roared the Hulk.

“We all know you are,” snickered Clint. “You're why Steve starts cooking an hour earlier.”

“Pancakes?” asked Loki.

“You're gonna' love these,” said Clint, helping him into a chair. Steve stepped in to serve him a cup of milk and then danced back into the preparation area. The key to pancakes was to be doing something else in the kitchen at the same time – that way you wouldn't be too impatient and flip them too early, or forget about them by being out of the room. Steve also had prepared two packages of bacon, an entire pack of sausages, some toast, and two dozen scrambled eggs. He laid these out on the table now, with whipped cream (hand-whipped, not out-of-a-can), butter, maple syrup and fruit compote for the pancakes. The Avengers began to dig in, and Steve joined them moments later with two giant stacks of all-American pancakes. There was plenty of orange juice and coffee to go around, as well as condiments and banter, though it was toned down a notch because of the young presence at the table.

“Do you like it Loki?”

“Very much,” he wasn't eating quickly, but he was clearly enjoying it.

The Hulk went through as much food as all the others combined, but that was too be expected. Clint had a thing for bacon and usually Tony would too, but today she was favouring less greasy food. Her stomach was giving her more grief this morning than the night before, but her appetite was okay still so she ate anyway – albeit a bit less meat than usual – but no one passed up Steve's pancakes, especially with the blueberry-peach compote and whipped cream. Jarvis handled the coffee, and she was on her second mug when she felt something wet between her thighs.

Huh. That was odd. She spread her legs apart, so that the housecoat parted, and covertly glanced down. Oh shit. She hadn't even thought of that. It explained the stomach discomfort... she stood up quickly and gathered the housecoat tightly around herself.  
“I'm going to go get Jan.”

“She's sleeping still,” said Clint, “I think Hank was over last night.”

“Well then I'm getting Hank, no sense he miss breakfast because she won't get out of bed.”

Tony was out of the room before anyone could say anything else. Clint and Steve shared a confused look and a shrug. If Tony wanted to face that then by all means, it wasn't their head ending up on a platter by waking Jan...

“Jan.” Tony knocked tentatively, and then again, her voice urgent, “Jan. Jan, I need you.”

Hank answered the door, naked besides a sheet wrapped around his lower body and Thor-puppy trailing behind him happily, “What is it Stark?”

“Oh... hi... I need Jan.”

“What do you need Jan for?”

“Uh... that's private.”

“You interrupted our lie-in by the way, I deserve to know.”

“Oh.” Wasp and Antman doing the miniaturized horizontal tango... in his house? With Thor watching?! Gross. “It's... er... private lady-things.”

“Lady things?” repeated Hank, and then glanced down to where a trickle of blood ran down the inside of Tony's knee. Realization dawned on him, “Of course, of course... just a sec...”

Hank bent down to whisper something to the bed behind him, and then Jan reappeared at normal-size and quickly pulled on a blue satin robe that had been abandoned on the opposite side of the bed. She ducked into the bathroom to grab something and then grasped Tony by the arm, her voice tender but commanding, “Let's go to your room.”

“I wasn't sure which you'd prefer, but pads are easier when you're new...” she explained, passing Tony the maxipad in the bathroom, “They don't really work under tight pants, but you should be okay. You can figure it out?”

“Hello, genius here? However I need some clean underwear...”

“Oh... oh! Of course.” Jan dug through the top drawers, riffling around between soldering guns, expensive cologne, and hosiery until she pulled out a pair of plain underwear and passed them to Tony in the washroom. A few moments later Tony emerged, looking pale and clutching her abdomen.

“I will never make fun of you for being a wuss again Jan, I promise.”

“It's worse for some than for others...” Jan agreed, “and always worse on the first day. I recommend a hot water bottle.”

“Oh... yes please...”

“I'll bring you one in a sec if you want to lie down, anything else?”

“Something for my head.”

“Of course. Guess you're prone to cyclical migraines too?”

Cyclical migraines? Tony wasn't sure what those were, but she sure as hell didn't like the sound of them. 

“I'll be right back.” Jan left and went back to her own room to collect what she needed. She started up the tap to let the water heat up, and was about to say something to Hank when she realized that he'd already gotten up and left to breakfast. With a shrug she dug out some painkillers and filled the hot water bottle. After delivering the “sweet, sweet relief” to Tony, and taking Thor out for a pee, she went to the kitchen.

“Hey Jan.” Hank kissed her on the cheek, “We saved you some pancakes.”

“Awesome!”

“Is Tony okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, she'll live. I think she might be prone to cyclical migraines though.”

“Brutal,” Clint agreed.

“Tony wants to smash?” asked Hulk, seeming to understand.

“Yes Hulk,” snickered Hank, “Tony wants to smash a lot right now.”

“Shush you,” Jan lightly smacked him upside the head, “cyclical migraines are nothing to laugh at, they're damn painful. My sister used to be locked up in her room with the lights off for days...”

Loki could accept that there were things he wasn't meant to understand, instead he was giving his scrambled eggs his full attention, but Steve, meanwhile, was looking confused. “Is Stark well?”

“He'll be fine in a couple of days,” Hank shrugged, “Millions of women survive this every month and live to tell about it, even if their spouses don't.”

“Hey!” Jan said, indignant.

Steve still looked confused as hell. “But there's no way Tony is pregnant?”

“No, the point is that she's not pregnant,” said Jan. “Man, sometimes I've been relieved for that-time just so I'd be fairly certain that I wasn't.”

“Would that be so bad?” asked Hank, giving her a pleading look.

“It's not, but then I'd have to be sober for a whole nine months.”

“It's a good thing Stark isn't pregnant then,” joked Clint, “that's a case of foetal alcohol syndrome waiting to happen.”

“Then Tony really smash,” said Hulk.

Steve still looked as confused as ever. He was getting frustrated, “What's wrong with Tony?”

“Uh... you guys don't suppose that periods were something that they 'just didn't talk about' in the old-days?” asked Jan. 

“Shit.” Clint cursed, “It probably was.”

“What was?” Steve was really frustrated now, “I don't see what this has to do with grammar!”

“Hank?” Jan asked, “Can you take Loki and Thor outside for a little while please?”

“Of course. You wanna' come big guy?” he asked Hulk.

“No,” the Hulk poured himself another cup of coffee, “This is gonna' be funny...”

* - * - * - Avengers: Assemble! - * - * - *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same disclaimer as chapter 1 applies. If anyone wants to be my beta-reader please message me.


	3. Steve Nests

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not the best chapter, but there it is.  
> Elebrin is a plot-needed OC with a minor role based off an old D&D character of mine. I doubt you'll see him again (in this fandom).

* - * - * - Avengers: Assemble! - * - * - *

Chapter Three

Steve Rogers had been throughly traumatized by Western culture of the 21st century and their knowledge of human biology. Again. Once he'd recovered, somewhat, the Avengers dispersed from the breakfast table and he took Loki to the living room for some cartoons and crayons. Loki was lying on his stomach, scribbling away. A little ways away on the rug Thor laid on his back while Jan gave him a bellyrub, and Steve distractedly tried to read the newspaper. It was actually a rather domestic scene. Pym had gone home and the Hulk had let Bruce out to play in his lab.

“I get the remote next, by the way,” said Jan, “Jersey Shore starts in twenty minutes.”

“Jersey Shore?” asked Steve. “Is that appropriate for Loki?”

“Oh yeah,” Jan lied, “he won't understand it anyway.”

“Alright.”

Fortunately, Steve was saved from yet another traumatic cultural exposure by Tony calling them over the intercom, “Hey guys? We've got visitors from Asgard, I think you'd better come to the lobby...”

“Asgardians?” Jan jumped up, “Cool. Let's go Thor!” Thor yapped happily and stood up, running circles around her feet. Steve folded us his newspaper and stood.

Loki also got up to follow, and they all went to meet their guests.

“Lady Sif?”

“Indeed. We recieved your message. Greetings Avengers, it is good to see you again.”

“You as well, m'lady,” said Clint, smiling his most charming smile.

“This is Elebrin, an elf skilled in the ways of magic.”

“Merry meeting Avengers,” the elf touched his brow in a gesture of greeting traditional to his people, “May light ever shine in your homes.”

“Uh... and yours.” said Tony.

“I can see your problem clearly, Tony Stark.”

“She looks fine to me, lady Sif...” said Elebrin, though at the same time he examined Tony carefully, “though there is an aura of... strange magic about her...”

“Tony used to be male,” said Bruce, “before he got hit with Loki's spell.”

“This is Loki.” said Steve, gently pushing the little boy out from behind his legs.

“Hello Lady Sif, Mister Elebrin. I'm pleased to meet you.”

Sif stared, “That's Loki.”

“And here's Thor!” said Wasp. Thor jumped from Jan's arms and ran to Sif. He wagged his tail so hard his entire back end was wiggling.

“Thor...” Sif knelt to examine the puppy, her eyebrows knotted in concern. Thor licked her face enthusiastically. “This is... quite a surprise.”

Elebrin, meanwhile, was examining Loki. He seemed an ordinary child, aside from the strange energy that surrounded him, appearing to his eyes as a dark purple, nearly black, aura, streaked with gold. It was unfamiliar to him.

After a little while he said, “This is Midgardian magic. I recognize it from none of the other realms... I do not know if I can reverse it.”

“Will you try?” asked Tony, eagerly hopeful.

“I suppose.” Elebrin said, and promptly began to work. “I need you to stay near.... just the three afflicted.” He sat cross-legged on the ground and sank his energy deep into the floor to ground himself. Tony held Thor in her arms and sat in front of the elf. Loki lingered nearby.

After ten minutes of waiting with bated breath nothing had happened. Tony felt the warm glow of magic surrounding them, but did not feel any different than before. With a sigh Elebrin opened his eyes, “I am afraid I cannot undo this.”

'Let me down!' came a cry in Tony's mind, just as Thor began to squirm. 'Sif!' he cried. 'I missed you so much!'

“Hey...” Tony asked, “did Thor just speak?”

“He barked...” said Jan.

“No, no, I just heard him say Sif's name and that he missed her.”

“Me too,” said Loki.

“I didn't,” said Sif.

“Neither did I,” agreed Clint, and Banner and Steve also shook their heads.

“It may be,” said Elebrin, “that being able to hear Thor is something that only those affected by this magic are able to hear.”

'You can comprehend what I say Stark?' asked Thor, in her mind, 'Wonderful. I have been trapped in this body, unable to speak for far too long. It has been most frustrating.'

“I am sorry I could not do more,” said Elebrin, “however this is Midgardian magic, and not something I am familiar with. Perhaps there are experts in this world you could seek out?”

“Generally asking after those with magical expertise in Midgard gets you tossed in the looney bin...” explained Bruce.

“Or directions to the local gaming store,” added Clint.

“I don't need to ask strangers for that,” said Jan, “Just nerds like you Clint.”

“Hey!”

“Thank you for trying at least,” said Tony, “would you like to stay and visit? It's almost time for dinner, I could fix you drinks?”

“Nay, but thank you Stark.” said Sif, “I do not like to leave the All-father unattended during the Odin-sleep, especially knowing that I cannot call upon Thor.”

“At least Loki's not a problem.”

“I wouldn't hurt you ever Lady Sif!” cried Loki.

“Of course you could not...” she agreed, staring down uncertainly at the child. They didn't call him master of lies for nothing, though, and he had the added advantage of being rather cute like this.

The Asgardians left and the Avengers dispersed back to what they were doing. Jan had Jersey Shore on PVR so she decided to watch it later and instead went to her room to call Hank and talk to him on the phone, by which she definitely did not mean have weird phone sex, because they never did that.

Tony went to take a hot bath, Thor trailing along and mind-speaking a mile-a-minute about the experience of being in a canine body. Banner went back to his lab, Clint to the gym, and Steve was left with Loki and cartoons.

'It is most strange to be in this form,' Thor continued, 'it must be strange for you too, but not as much as for me, I assure you... and HEY, BALL!' Thor quite suddenly dashed into the gym where Clint was dribbling a basket ball and began to chase it, Clint chasing after him before he could pop it.

“Same old Thor...” Tony said to herself.

By 6pm Loki had fallen asleep on his drawings. 

“Hey buddy, time to get up, it's supper time.”

Steve shook his shoulder lightly and the little boy whimpered and coughed. “Huh.” He laid a hand across his forehead, finding it warm to the touch.

* - * - * - Avengers: Assemble! - * - * - *

“Tony?” Steve knocked on her door. And then again, “Tony? Please answer your door.”

Moments later Tony did, dripping wet from her bath in only a towel, Thor at her heels. “What is it?”

“Uh... nevermind, you were busy.”

“You've interupted me now. What is it?”

“I think Loki's sick. But it's okay, I'll go get Banner.”

“Why didn't you do that in the first place?”

“I... uh... Banner's not technically a medical doctor, and Loki... trusts you.” Truth was, Steve wasn't sure why, but Tony had been his first thought as soon as he'd thought something might be wrong with his little ward. It was a fact of life in Avengers tower that if Steve had a problem with anything (usually to do with technology or current social norms), he went to Tony.

“Alright, alright. Let me get dressed.” Tony went to drop the towel and start dressing, but then realized that she couldn't do that anymore in front of Steve and ducked into the washroom. In a fresh pair of sweatpants, underthings, and t-shirt she emerged, with a first-aid kit tucked under one arm. Time to play team medic... again. She'd much rather Banner do it, he was more qualified, or even Jan (though Jan's cure-all was usually a nap and a massage from Pym). However, she did not trust Clint with it. The last time she'd let Barton bandage her up she'd gotten gangrene. Well, okay, it was a minor flesh-wound that got badly infected, but pretty much gangrene... the pus had been green.

Together they went back to the entertainment room where Steve had placed Loki on the couch. He was awake now, wiping a runny nose on one sleeve. He looked pale, but otherwise alright. Thor climbed up and began to lick his brother's face enthusiastically.

“Hey kiddo,” Tony sat on the couch next to him, “Cap said you weren't well. How do you feel?”

“Hurts,” he said, touching his neck.

“Your throat?”

He nodded.

“And you need some Kleenex... bad.” Tony gave Steve some tissue to clean up the kid's nose and then she pulled an ear thermometer out from the kit. “Hold still.”

She put it in and a moment later it beeped. “99.6. Not high, but definitely a fever.”

Steve looked beyond worried.

“Stop fretting Super Nanny, I think he's just got a cold. Rest and fluids, y'know, mundane stuff.”

“Oh.”

“Maybe some children's tylennol if the fever gets high, but he should be fine within a week.”

“Is that all?”

“Mhmm. Though how an Asgardian can catch cold I have no idea... Thor never did, it must have to do with the de-aging spell.”

'My brother was often ill as a child,' Thor spoke into her mind.

“Oh. That explains it. Badly?”

'Nay, just often.'

“Good, this shouldn't be a problem. We'll take him to a Shield doctor if we need to.”

Steve looked on as Tony had a conversation with a dog. He shook his head and lifted Loki into his arms, “I suppose we should put you to bed then little one.”

“M'not tired,” Loki protested.

“You can continue with your colouring books there. Are you hungry?”

“Not really.”

“Nonetheless, I will bring you supper... do you think you could eat some soup.”

“I could try.”

“I'll make you some then... what kind do you like?” Steve left, Loki in arms, while Tony continued to discuss Asgardian/Jotun/human physiology with Thor. To an outsider, it looked like a very one-sided conversation; anyone outside of their little network of friends would have thought that Tony had lost it for sure, though Thor did listen very attentively for a puppy.

* - * - * - Avengers: Assemble! - * - * - *

“Hey Jan, you going out tonight?” asked Tony, poking her head in the entertainment room where she was chowing down on macaroni and cheese with mixed vegetables and cut-up hotdogs (Barton's night to cook then) and watching Jersey Shore. There was a beer on the table too, since it was her night off-call.

“Wasn't planning to, you need something?”

“A couple things from the pharmacy. More of that stuff you gave me earlier, and I think some children's tylennol and cough syrup may be needed soon.”

“Is Loki sick?”

“He is, and I can't send Pepper 'cause she isn't here.”

“The only pharmacy open this late on a Sunday is blocks away... I can't drive right now, had a couple of cold ones.”

He sighed, “I'll drive you there.”

“I'm not your errand bitch, Tony.”

“We can get ice-cream on the way back?”

“Lead the way!” Jan was up in seconds, her show paused, hovering at eye-level with Tony. 

In their wake Thor climbed onto the coffee table and finished Jan's dinner for her.

* - * - * - Avengers: Assemble! - * - * - *

Jan was enjoying her ice-cream immensely, without consideration for calories which she could burn off easily with a few sugar-fuelled flying laps around Stark Mansion. “So Tony... why didn't you go in and buy this stuff yourself?”

“I didn't know what to do get.”

“I could have written it down for you.”

“Yeah... I suppose...”

“You didn't want to be seen buying feminine supplies maybe? But Tony, have you seen yourself?”

Tony silently glanced at her reflection in the rearview mirror, the hazel eyes looking back at her were familiar, yet not her own. 

She sighed heavily. “I'll admit it, I'm still not totally... adjusted to this.”

“You know, men and women really aren't so different, you're still you, you're still Tony, just female Tony. Gender differences are primarily social constructions, a person's sex is less of a big deal in other cultures and other species. Among some, it is the males who are the primary care-givers of the young while the females go out to hunt and gather.”

Tony had forgotten that Jan had studied anthropology and gender studies in university, but she had a very valid point.

“At this point,” Jan said, “Steve seems to have designated himself as Loki's momma-bird. Funny how that happened.”

“I half expect him to start clucking soon,” Tony joked.

“Maybe he'll lay an egg of his own.”

“Then he'd really start nesting.”

“I wonder if his spawn would take after him pre-serum or post-serum.”

They both broke into hysterical giggles at the mental image of Steve tenderly nursing a large egg.

* - * - * - Avengers: Assemble! - * - * - *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, it isn't just Thor, my dog loves mac 'n cheese, even without hotdog in it.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: All recognizable characters etcetera are the legal property of Marvel/their respective creators. This is a work of fan-fiction and no profit is made. The soliders will be returned to the toybox once I'm done with them.


End file.
